Along with that song you can’t get out of your head, I’m sure you’ve been wondering just how it is that jet airplanes flying in the clouds know where they are.  This turns out to be really important, because knowing where you are in space is a key ingredient in avoiding another bulky winged object.

The sky, as it so happens, has “roads” on which airplanes travel, which are called “airways.”   Airways, just like their counterparts on the ground, have intersections, which are called “fixes.”  Airplanes typically navigate on airways, flying like a junkie from one fix to another.  Okay, not like a junkie, but I couldn’t resist.

Unlike intersections on the ground, fixes typically have names, and by convention their names all have five letters.  The five-letter convention helps to differentiate them from other abbreviations, such as airports, which have four letter designations, or beacons, which have three.   A good navigator, like a good heroin addict, knows just where and how to get a fix.  (How’s that?)

Given the restriction to five letters, naming intersections can be fun.  I live near a town called Ojai, and there is a fix a few miles from me called OHIGH.   Make of that what you will.

A few years back the ILS approach to Runway 14R at O’Hare had a fix 15 miles out called SEXXY and a final approach fix called KINKY.   I am not sure how or why those have been discontinued, but I imagine that saying to a controller that “I’m between SEXXY and KINKY” could be a bit awkward.

There is a fix called LEBRN near Cleveland over the Cavaliers arena.   They left the name in place even though Lebron James left Cleveland, which was rather oracular of the FAA given his return and his subsequent canonization.

There is, in fact, no dearth of sports-related fixes.  Airplanes arriving at O’Hare sometimes fly through the following fixes: WELCM TEEOO CHCGO BHAWK STNLE CUUPP CHMPN.

Some fixes refer to the stuff that the locality is known for.  Any guess where these fixes are located?  DRLLR, GUSHR, IMPORT, PPUMP, REFYN, DIESL, and OILLL?   If you guessed Houston, Texas, you would have gotten it correct.   Kansas City is known for its barbecue, so along the instrument approach to the airport you will find the following fixes: SPICY, BARBQ, TERKY, SMOKE and RIBBS.

When it comes to food, you can’t get much more direct than along the approach to Lebanon, N.H. airport, which is close to Dartmouth College.  There you will find the fixes HAMMM, BURGER,  and FRYYS.  And one of my all-time favorite fixes is EIEIO, a waypoint near Iowa State University, home of a prestigious veterinary school.

Either the FAA was pulling a Greenland, or they simply got it backward when they named an important intersection just off the coast of the Florida panhandle HEVVN, and another a few miles north of Portsmouth, New Hampshire SATAN.   Clearly, they got those two backward.

Then there are the welcoming fixes, such as those on the final approach to Runway 4 at Newark’s Liberty Airport.   As you fly in, New Jersey-style, you will be passing through HOWYA and then DOOIN.

Now, I have told myself that I would steer clear of politics in this blog, so I will merely report the following and let you come to your own conclusions.   If you find yourself flying to Houston, you are likely to find yourself on either the WHACK TWO GPS arrival course or the TWSTD THREE approach.   Here are the names of some of the waypoints you will find along the way:  CRNKY, FRAGL, MENTL, NUTZZ, PSYCO, TWSTD, and WHACK.   This is no joke; these are waypoints leading you to George Bush Intercontinental Airport.